The problem with society is that thin has become a synonym for beautiful. 

The moment it hit me that I was sick was the day I realised I was categorically petrified of drinking water. I had become so addicted to weighing myself and so frightened of weight gain that I refused to drink a thing in the complete fear that I would step on the scales and see a higher number. Water is essential for life... yet I would risk dehydrating myself to the point of danger rather than momentarily weigh a tiny bit more. Because weighing less would mean perfection. Weighing less would mean acceptance. Weighing less would mean that even if I struggled at university, pushed all my friends away and lived the sheltered, sad and lonely existence that I was living, at least society may accept me as beautiful.

A few nights ago, I decided that the dictionary definition of recovery is unbelievably ill-defined.
'Recovery (noun): The action or process of regaining possession or control of something.'

Shorty after this, I had a second revelation. A revelation that recovery is not what I thought it was. Recently I've been struggling with my weight, but not in the same disordered way I used to. Struggling because I always assumed that 'post-recovery' I would look, weigh and feel exactly how I did 'pre-illness'. So learning to accept that my body is so far removed from anything it has ever resembled is a pretty hard thing to comprehend.

After (wrongly) feeling quite down for a while about these changes, I had a third revelation: I realised I needed to stop trying to be the person I was before. I am not the before- I've lived through the during and now I am the after. Recovery does not mean going back to the way things were. I am not regaining anything, I am not recreating the old me. I am not recovering something old, I am discovering something new. A new braver, stronger person who I am proud to be.

I have poured my heart, soul, sweat and tears into the gym over the past nine months and I am proud of the muscle my body has gained, I am proud of the inches added to my thighs and the additional weight I carry with me. I have worked hard for this healthy, strong, functional body and I am so appreciative that my mind allowed me to have a second shot at creating this body.

I may still be far from where I want to be (I WILL deadlift that failed 87.5kg bar one of these days), but that doesn't mean I am not proud of the journey.
'When you do what you fear most, you can do anything'.

Thinner means just that... thinner. Not happier, not healthier. Just thinner.


  1. Such a meaningful post. I've always struggled with my weight and have to accept that I will constantly yo-yo. It's much more important being healthy than thin!
    Jabeen x

  2. This is such a beautiful post to read, no one tells you post recovery that how you felt pre illness will never quite be how you feel again!
    Jodie, xo // Jodie Loue

  3. I am so proud of you, this was an amazing post and I know you can reach whatever goals you strive to achieve! I'm so happy to hear how healthy you are, this was so inspiring! Keep going girl! XO -Kim

  4. This was a very inspiring and honest post. Recovery is always a very slow and long process. It is something that takes a lot of determination and hard work but it sounds like you are on the right track. I hope it continues to go well for you.
    All the best.

  5. I recently realised I was heading that direction too... and it's scary because you don't think of things like this happening to dudes but it does. I was obsessed with weighing myself and would feel so guilty after eating anything with the littlest sugar content in it until a few days ago I calculated my Body Mass Index and found I was just a little above what is clinically considered "underweight" and came to the realisation that there is no need for constant dieting since I've always been a healthy eater anyway :(

    Anyway, I hope you get to where you want to be soon and get your health back!!

    Oliver // http://suedeandsymphony.com

    1. aw oliver i hope youre ok! its such a horrible feeling isnt it! xx

  6. 100% loving this post and your honesty.

  7. Wishing you all the best on your journeu:)x

  8. Love this post, it's such a thoughtful read! Quite frankly, I've probably been somewhat on the same page as you before your revelations and it's definitely not (mentally) healthy. I'm heading back to the gym with a fresh perspective, hoping to conquer that 40kg deadlift. :p

  9. I too have struggled with my weight over the years, particularly in my early teens but it was so refreshing to read such an honest and thoughtful post. Wishing you the best of luck with it all! :)

    Phoebe - www.phoebetea.co.uk

  10. You are so inspiring. I struggle with my weight in a very different way to this, but your honestly is still so relatable and makes a great change from all those generic posts about body image and recovery that you see. Stay strong!
    Hope you’re having a great saturday,
    Bethany x


    Do pop over to my blog, if you fancy of course, and tell me what you think!

    1. thank you so much for such an amazing comment! i wish you all the best xx

  11. Such a great post. I don't know any woman who has not had some issue with her weight it's nice to see someone writing about it in such a raw and honest way. Only then will society begin to open its eyes and change.



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