16:42

Measure Yourself in Strength not Pounds

My worst fear used to be that one day the whole world would wake up and see me the way I saw myself.

I thrived off feeling small and empty, it allowed me to place a physical symptom on the emotional opinion I had of myself. It is less scary to feel mentally empty and worthless if you physically make your body feel the same too. 'I'm not mad, I'm ill' became a justification for a string of increasingly dangerous habits and for a very long time I pushed away nearly every person who had my best intentions at heart. 


My mind tricked me and lead me to believe that everyone wanted me to get fat. Every irrational thought in my head wanted me to get fat. Anyone who offered me food wanted me to get fat. What I failed to realise at the time was that not one person was concerned with how fat I may or may not have been. They were concerned with my mind. They wanted me to be healthy. Not fat. Yet in my mind those two were one and the same thing. I would rather have been skinny and unhealthy than strong and alive.

Weight is a strange concept. Calories even stranger. In reality, neither really exist, yet I allowed both to take such a strong control over my life. My emotional state every morning was completely and solely dependent on the weight shown on the scales, a gain of even a quarter of a pound could send me into a panic; a refusal to leave my room incase someone remarked on my weight gain. At the minute, this is a fight that I'm trying very hard to win. Over the past 8 months I have gained 20 pounds, taking myself from a severely low weight to a healthy one through numerous diet and lifestyle changes coupled with 6 months of progressive training in the gym. I've weighed this much before. And I was extremely unhappy when I did. But just because I weigh the same it doesn't mean I am the same. Last time, my hair was so thin it was falling out. My skin was grey. My body was covered in bruises. I was severely anaemic. My bones were weak. I was dehydrated. I was anxious and worried all the time... but this time I can deadlift much more than I weigh. I can do press ups on my toes. I can hold a 25kg bar over my head and lunge. And most importantly, I can actually walk up the stairs without feeling like passing out. I can lie in bed without the pain of my bones digging into my skin. And I can smile, in the knowledge that my incredible support system were right all along. I am not fat. I am healthy.
Healthier not heavier.

Recovery isn't black and white. It is not a case of being unwell or not. There is a huge patch of grey with small amounts of black and white at either side. I started very much in the black, but that doesn't mean that I am now in the white. At times I still cry because that voice still rents a space in my head. Yes, it's downsized… moved out of it's big detached house in my head and moved into a small bedsit in the corner, but it's still there. I am learning to accept that maybe that is where it will always be. Recovery at times was harder on my mind than when I was in the depths of my struggle. Fighting a never ceasing internal battle between wanting to get better and not wanting to let go of what has become so normal and comforting for you. But ultimately you have a choice: to feed yourself and fight your illness or to feed your illness and fight yourself.

You always have a choice… please make the right one.
SHARE:

20 comments

  1. Must have taken a lot to write this so thank you for sharing this with us all. Glad to hear that you are healthy and doing well. Looking forward to many more positive updates like this one! Making that choice is a hard one, but I think I am starting to make the right ones. J x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw thank you so much lovely :) xx

      Delete
  2. Thank you for writing this very honest post. It must have been hard to write these feelings down. It sounds like you are in good place and are getting better day by day. This is a very positive post to read for myself as I am in this situation at the moment, I want to get better but it is just trying to make my head realise it. I hope you continue on your road to recovery.
    Take care and all the best.
    Kelly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, I really hope you stay strong and manage to get yourself better too :) xxx

      Delete
  3. This was such a brave post to write, and I love how much your outlook has changed. It is amazing to see you are in a much better place. x

    nueyork.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beautiful post, I know exactly how you feel. It takes so much to go against what your mind is trying to tell you, but its so important to give your body the treatment it deserves xxx

      http://amyebblog.blogspot.co.uk/

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such an inspirational post, beautifully written by an even more gorgeous human being. :)

    Oliver x

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a brave post, glad you're in a better place now Amy! It must be so difficult to convince yourself that those extra pounds are nourishing your body and making you healthier not heavier. A healthy body helps with a healthy mind too, so hopefully it will all become much easier for you over time :)

    Sarah x

    ReplyDelete
  8. This has given me hope that I can get there, again. Previously I've hated being at healthier weights, to know that it's ok and that with the right attitude, care and attention I can do it...I needed to read this today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw thats such a lovely comment thank you so much xx

      Delete
  9. What a beautiful blog you have and you seem like a beautiful person as well. <3 I really enjoyed reading your story, stay strong girl. <3 xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  10. Awww Amy I had no idea.... what a lovely post and it strangely rings a few similar alarm bells to a stage I was at once. The uncomfortable bones sticking in you at night trying to sleep - I remember that feeling. And I shed so much hair because I went under weight :( Happier times now for all, thanks for sharing this lovely xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. emma this comment has put such a big smile on my face :) xxx

      Delete

© Amy Elizabeth | Manchester Heath and Lifestyle Blog | All rights reserved.
Blogger Template Created by pipdig