06:11

My New Years Resolution

[Merry Christmas from Mallorca]

I've always found the concept of New Years Resolutions an odd one. If there's something you want to achieve, and you want to reach that goal enough, why wait to start. Start the moment you even have that thought because the longer you put something off the harder it is to face.


Why are we so determined to set ourselves up for failure? Setting ourselves unrealistic goals based on unattainable ideals and then beating ourselves up about our lack of success in completion. My whole life I have been my own worst critic- my boyfriend put it incredibly bluntly to me only last week. I was upset, frustrated and angry with myself, disappointed in my lack of revision that day and repeatedly telling myself I was bound to fail. He turned to me and asked me why I am so mean to myself. He (correctly) told me that I would never dream of judging anyone else the way I harshly judge myself, so why do I continue to allow myself to be my own worst enemy? And he had a point. How do I ever expect to be proud of myself and my achievements, if they never meet the ever increasing standards that I appear to be setting.

My problem is, and always has been my irrational fear of failure. It sounds unbelievably cliche but for as long as I can remember, there has never been a time where I have not been completely terrified of letting people, teachers, my parents, friends or myself down. I am incredibly lucky to come from a family who have always supported every decision I have made, they have never pressured me to work harder or pushed me to pursue a particular career path (partially because they know I am probably putting enough pressure on myself already), yet there is some inherent part of me which works myself to the bone to achieve better things than the time before.

The most recent issue of ELLE; 'The Confidence Issue', got me thinking... what actually is failure? If I take a step back from my colour coded revision timetable, OCD tidy bedroom, jam packed filofax and actually assess the bigger picture, I can't help but ask 'what's the worst thing that could happen?' I have forever been in the mindset of wanting to do my best and achieve my best, and although this is a positive trait to have, it becomes an issue when your best isn't good enough for yourself any more. At school, my A*A*A A-level results were not good enough because I convinced myself it was only because I chose 'easy subjects'. On my year at Art School in London I found myself trapped in an unhealthy routine of working at least 12 hours a day whilst surviving on a diet which purely consisted of pringles and chocolate, resulting in illness and exhaustion on top of the immense stress and pressure I was already feeling. Yes, I came out with a Distinction, but I didn't feel elated when I found out. I felt utterly exhausted. I had used up every scrap of energy my body had, and was it really worth it? And then it dawned on me- nothing will ever be good enough. In two of my A-levels I achieved 100%, and still wasn't happy. What was I hoping to achieve? It was a physical impossibility to gain a better mark, yet that still wasn't enough for me to take a step back and say 'do you know what Amy? You work hard, it's paid off and you should be proud of yourself'.

So my real question is, why is it so hard to admit our own pride? I have spent 20 years of my life dwelling on what I could have done better, worrying about what will happen in the future, what if I don't get a job, what if I fail my degree etc etc etc. So this year, is a year for change. At the end of every day I am going to write down at least one thing that has made me smile, and one thing I have done to be proud of. For the first time in my life I am setting a New Years Resolution and plan to wholeheartedly stick to it... After all, failure is not an option ;)

Leave your comments below and let me know if you'd like to see a few more personal blog posts like this. I hope you all had an amazing Christmas, and have a fantastic New Years Eve!
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52 comments

  1. this made SO MUCH SENSE! I completely agree with you and where you stand on this whole concept of new year's resolutions and whatnot. I feel like this is pretty much exactly what I've been feeling all along :) great post!

    An xx
    www.ansaddiction.blogspot.com.au

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  2. This was such a wonderful post and a truly great resolution for 2015. I love reading resolutions that really mean something and will make a huge positive change for the person, rather than the typical join a gym style resolutions which, although may be hugely beneficial, seem to be the kind that get discarded after only a month.
    For what it's worth, after reading your post I think you are an incredibly inspiring individual - to work so hard and to have achieved so much is incredible and I hope that 2015 is an even better year for you because you really do deserve it :) xo

    LJLV | UK Personal Style

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    1. aw thank you so much! Your comment has actually made my day, it's so nice to think that at least one person out there is appreciating my efforts. I hope you have a great 2015 too xxx

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  3. I am a big fan of new year's resolutions. I agree that you don't NEED to wait, but for some people that is what works, having a set date to start. I am a big fan off what ever works for you is good.

    I told myself I would start losing weight on New Year's day and that is exactly what I did and I lost 7st.

    Everyone is different though :)

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    1. Aww wow what an amazing achievement! xx

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  4. You should really be satisfied with 100%s! I'm sure many reading this scraped passes or missed out on uni places by a few marks this year, try losing a few 'what ifs' in '15 :) all our best

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  5. Such a lovely blog post, and gave me a chance to think about my life and what I want to do to change it. I've loved reading your blog over the past few months, happy new year!!
    xx

    http://rosabelleblogspot.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. thank you lovely, happy new year to you too! xx

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  6. So relate-able and really well written! Will give you a follow because I have been loving your posts. Have a great new year xoxo

    realisings.blogspot.com

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  7. That's such a sweet idea to write down something that made you smile! Happy New Year!
    Jodie // La Lune Song

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  8. I totally agree! You write very well, and very wisely!
    Happy New Year, no matter what you do with yourself :)
    Marianne

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  9. What a wonderful blog you have here lovely! I absolutely adore a blog with well written and well thought out copy. All the best for the New Year; I'm sure it'll be very successful!

    www.lioninthewild.com

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  10. You're not setting yourself up for failure if you set realistic goals for yourself! I think that setting goals is actually very helpful for self-confidence, you just have to set the right ones! I love looking back on the year and seeing what I've accomplished and what I can still work on.

    COOCOO FOR COCO

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    1. very true! hopefully this year i will stick to mine :) xx

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  11. I completely agree with what you are saying. what i am trying this year is that as well as a new years resolution, i have chosen a word to set the mood for my new year. i find that it might be easier to stick to then a whole list of resolutions:)
    this post was extremely well-written and very relate-able:) and i hope you have a wonderful new year. xo

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  12. I also agree with the new years resolution comments. Interesting read!

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  13. Amy this post is so great! You've had an awesome year with your blog, so proud of you! Hope 2015 is even better.

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    1. aww thank you so much olivia! I hope you have a great year too! we should deffo meet up sometime! xxx

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  14. This is such an inspirational post, well done xx

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  15. I agree with you! Good things happen everywhere and every day and on bad days it is evemn more important to look for the good things. This is a great post and has really influenced the way I am looking at things right now. xoxo

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  16. Glad your comment lead me to your blog :) your writing style is great and this post was pretty thought provoking, have followed on bloglovin', still getting used to how to stay updated with blogs but look forward to reading more of yours soon! x

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  17. I know that feeling Amy, the song Being good is not good enough used to ring in my ear all the time when I don't think I have performed my best. But keep in mind that a part of success is based on what you have learned from failures, so imperfections may actually be a blessing in disguise :) xx

    www.nassaeithilwen.com

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    1. Thank you so much lovely... really great advice and hopefully this year I will be able to take it on board! xx

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  18. I love your post and also your blog! I hope we can stay in contact! You are adorable... xxx

    www.caterinacatalano.com

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  19. You sound like you have so much to be proud of! It's clear you don't give yourself enough credit! Love your blog by the way.

    Rose & Raindrops

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  20. Great post! Don't be so hard on yourself <3

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  21. This is such a great post! I know how difficult it can be to stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you've got so much to be proud of yourself for though! :) xx
    http://www.katiewrites.co.uk

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  22. Awesome post! Hope you have a great year!

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  23. I completely agree with you Amy, it was a lovely post, and I could see it came from the heart.
    I hope you have an amazing 2015!!
    xxx
    www.ourflavourfullife.blogspot.com

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  24. Great post hun! Everything you've written completely resonates with me. :)

    xx

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  25. I found this post very helpful, I am similar in a way I never think I have done anything good or worthwhile, it is a feeling I have had nearly all of my life. We all need to try and stop being so hard on ourselves. Thank you for writing this inspirational post. I have only just found your blog and look forward to reading many more posts like this.
    All the best.
    Kelly.

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